Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
same energy
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot