Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Check your privilege
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
New mindset, who dis?
What a website
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
this is 10/10 content no notes
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My dating profile:
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?