Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
i’m so old i’m almost back in style