Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…