@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

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@Leslie_Annie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

@NikiWithIssues

Who wants a serious blowjob? It’s like a normal blowjob but I’ll leave my glasses on.

@theshantilly

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

@urmumsausername

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

@DanielRCarrillo

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

@AngryRaccoon2

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

@imteddybless

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

@PhriendlyCody

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no