INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Any time a child tries to guess my age.