Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt