Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
Bike is short for Bichael.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Not my job 😂
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”