Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me


[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain


Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me


snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool


me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot


Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.


Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!