Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Worst bar ever.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.