Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I found your tweet-up…
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.