interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!