interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
When your parents check you’re ok.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.