Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
#MeanwhileInCanada
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea