interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution