INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
the saddest jazz hands ever
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me