Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
absolutely not
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Catering service
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic