Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
New menu item
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi