interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
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My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load