interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
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If you know, you know
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!