INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Anyone want a chair?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]