Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
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Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Oh no
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look