INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
There’s only one good girl here!
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I did not eat the cake…
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”