interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime