INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.