@ShutUpThatsWho

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

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@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@ThePopTartJesus

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

@jlock17

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

@ianabramson

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

@RandiLawson

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

@Eatingmeals

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

@RappaRick

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

@_SingleBabyMama

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

@HatfieldAnne

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.