Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”