INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Lmfao
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”