Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.