INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The Sun
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option