interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam