Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Imagine having a party on purpose.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
dam girl
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.