Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.