Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
You Might Also Like
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.