Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Favourite diary entry ever
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Looking at you, Jesus.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.