Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
kitchen magnet
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*