Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
You Might Also Like
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.