INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
i baked you a cake
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.