Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.