[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.