[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Tell the colonel to bring it
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Never forget.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating