[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
You Might Also Like
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?