[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Found my door mat
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up