[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.