[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.