[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.