[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
New menu item
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
That’s no pocket rocket.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR