[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Sharon I have some bad news
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.