[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
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I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things