[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks