[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I think this should do it.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
i hope my email finds you on fire
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)