[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.