[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Bro what is this
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.